Tuesday, November 4, 2014

In Between A and B

You might want to grab tissues for this post (at least I need to).

In between A and B.

There is no letter between A and B, is what you're thinking, I bet.

Well, for us there is.In between Autumn and Brooklynn, we were actually pregnant with another child. 

It was around November/December of 2010.  My mom was coming for Christmas, so I was holding out telling anyone until I could tell her face to face.In the mean time, we decided we needed to start looking for a new house - a bigger one. 

We were already outgrowing the "Starter Home" that I had bought before I even met Ron.BUT, during that time, I lost the baby.I was about 9-10 weeks along.  The morning my mom was coming to town to visit.

I woke up with bleeding. Ron had to work that day (as did I), but we headed to the hospital around 5:30/6:00.  The thing about being a teacher, is that no matter what you're going through, you still have to stop and find someone to make sure your class has lesson plans...and to call in for a sub for you.... NOT something on the top of your list to do at a time when you're rushing to the hospital.  That's for sure.

We went to the hospital and they said that I was no longer "carrying."

It was hard. I was devastated. 

My poor husband didn't even know how to help me...except to keep Autumn distracted. He tried. He held me, he let me cry on him constantly. But really, what could he do?  

It took a while, but a few months later, I was able to talk about it.

Here's what I wrote down when I was ready:

"So, I have had some of you ask me 'why all the sudden are you guys moving to a bigger house?! Are you expecting?? or anticipating a growing a family??' lol. Well, my answer is no, we're not pregnant.But, I will tell you that the reason that this all started was because we were pregnant. There, I actually said it. I know a lot of you have been wondering and speculating. But yes, I had a miscarriage. When I found out I was pregnant, we decided not to tell anyone because my mom was coming about a month later, and I had a great idea about telling her in person since she was told about Autumn over the phone. So, that's why we didn't tell anyone. Then, 3 days before Christmas break, I woke up bleeding. I was about 9-10 weeks along. So, yes, that's why I randomly was not at work the last days before break. Needless to say, I was devastated, broken-hearted. And to top it off, that morning, my mother was coming into town. I had to muster up the strength to move on. I was in pain for her visit here, which really brought me down because we had some fun plans.I knew that Christmas was already going to be a hard one - my mom was leaving before Christmas and Ron was working Christmas and new years, but then to add in what I went through. I didn't feel like talking to anyone about it, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to "play happy" very well, so I just kept to myself during the break. Once I went back to work, I got better, because I kept busy. And I'm better now with it - although, I must say I'm a little teary eyed now..lolSo now you know. I know that it was God's way of getting rid of something that probably would not have thrived later on. Though, at the time, it's hard to think like that.  Looking back, I just have to be thankful that I was only 9 weeks. I know of others who have had to give birth even though they knew their baby would be born a still- born. I can't even imagine! My heart goes out to every single mother who has to go through that, and I pray that none of you will ever have to go through it."

Still to this day, I get teary-eyed reading it. I've always said that everything happens for a reason, whether or not we know God's reason, or believe that there could possibly even BE a reason for it.

When my little Brooklynn turned 1, I finally realized what the reason was.  

My Brooklynn was born around the same time that we lost this baby. And had that pregnancy worked out, we would not have my little B.  

So, I not that I would ever be thankful for something so tragic as the loss of a baby, but I am so thankful that we get to have my B!  She is definitely a God-Send.

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you and your family, Jen. So thankful for your Brooklyn and I wish the same for the newest addition to your family. We were also a family of three girls...my mom had three under the age of five...how she ever did it, I'll never know!